.: Minion Services for Evil Overlords
..: Evil Nightclub Promotion
Evil is always the life of the party. No Evil Overlord is complete without his own Nightclub from which to stage his Evil plans. Evil Minion Nightclub Promotion can provide the club, DJs, lights, sound system plus a supporting cast of lowlifes and scantily clad chicks to populate it. Just because you are an Evil Overlord doesn't mean you still can't be the life of the party! But running a club is hard work and you have Heroes to kill and worlds to conqur.
An Evil Nightclub gives you access to hundreds of test subjects to try out your new weapons on as well as cheap floozies to sleep with and discard. Body removal and cleanup is provided at no extra cost!
As an extra bonus we will provide beautiful tramps to try to seduce the Hero. And remember, all of our bartenders are provided with just enough information to lead the Hero right into your trap.
...: Types of Evil Nightclubs
Medieval Pub, Live Music Venue, Rave, Club, Dark corner bar with no customers. Examples: Venue from The Crow, Club from XXX, Bar from Desperado.
..: Evil Legal Services: Because Even Evil Deserves Due Process
When you make your living on the wrong side of the law, a good attorney is an absolute must. Face it, the legal system can be a real pain in the ass, but if you have money you can make it work for you. Besides keeping you out of jail despite your blatant violations, Evil Minions Legal Aid can fix it so you can run your organization without any interference from the authorities. Best of all, with the right combination of bribes, threats and blackmail, you can actually sic the legal system on the Hero for harassing you! Is this a great country or what?
Our services include: bailing out your henchmen from jail so you can murder them yourself; notarizing forged wills, bills of sale, property deeds and other necessary paperwork; threatening your enemies with lawsuits.
..: Evil Accounting & Business
Evil pays--not well, but it pays. No Evil Empire can exist on a shoestring budget. Not only do you need to impress your minions and enemies alike, but you need the finances to supply your empire with weapons, doomsday devices, headquarters and a lifestyle befitting your Evil position. Evil Minions Financial Services, LLC can set up your front businesses, manage your stock portfolio, pay your bills, and provide you with a generous monthly allowance guaranteed to cover all of your Evil plans. We'll even handle your minion monthly payroll! No need for the 401K plan of course, because if your minions are surviving to retirement, you're doing something wrong.
..: Evil Marketing & PR: Putting a Good Face on Evil
Face it, being an Evil Overlord and trying to take over the world might give people the wrong impression of you. Evil Minions Marketing and Public Relations proves the addage that there is no such thing as negative publicity. Our proven strategy of press releases, charitable contributions and mudslinging will have the world believing you are merely an eccentric millionaire and not the bloodthirsty monster you really are. Are regularly scheduled Charity Balls will not only improve your public perception, but also give you the needed chance to interact with the Hero in a neutral setting.
Evil Minions Marketing can also handle your minion recruitment through internet placement ads. No more skulking in back alleys, docks and sleazy bars looking for the right type of minions. Now, all that can be handled by just a few Craigslist and Monster.com postings.
..: Evil Construction: Evil Work at Union Wages
Death Stars, Evil Laboratories, Underwater Lairs and Castles of Forebodings just don't build themselves. Evil Minions Construction and Landscaping can provide you with the headquarters of your dreams. No design is too bizarre or eccentric. If you have the money we will break the laws of physics themselves to get your new home just right.
Prison cells, minion quarters, deathtraps, animal pens for your critters and kitchen facilities are all included of course. Extras include:
- Copies of priceless works of art such as the Mona Lisa that you can claim are the original and the ones hanging in museums are the actual copies.
- Trap doors in strategic places on the floor that lead to certain death.
- Sliding wall panels that reveal two way video communications.
- Bottomless Pits of Unspeakable Doom.
- And of course the obligatory secret exit for your escape when everything goes to hell.
Styles include: Medieval, Futuristic, Neo Medieval, Neo Futuristic, Futuristic Medieval, Medieval Futuristic, Suburban home with secret underground lair, Laboratory, Black and White, Victorian, Post Apocalyptic, and of course, Drug Lab.
Self Destruct button is an optional extra. We don't recommend it, but you're the Evil Overlord, we just work here.
..: Evil Critter Breeding
Whether it be Rancors, Sarlacs, Targs, giant snakes or sharks with laser beams on their heads, no Evil Overlord is complete without his signature critter. Even a simple white cat can add to your megalomaniacal eccentricity. We at Evil Minions Animal Breeding and Pest Control can provide any kind of critter imaginable, and some even unimaginable. Training in their handling, feeding instructions, care and cleanup as well as safety tips are all included with purchase.
We can also provide with all of your peripheral critter needs such as stocking your Deep Dark Woods around your lair with assorted nasties such as wolves, bears and hyenas or creating an endless supply of spiders and bugs for your prisons and dungeons. Evil Petting Zoos now available!
NOTE: We are not responsible for actions resulting in mishandling or ignoring instructions on the handling of our critters. All purchases are final! No exceptions.
Also, due to unusually high demand at this time please allow an additional 3-4 weeks on the delivery of dragons.
..: Evil Catering
Evil--it's what's for dinner. Whether feeding raw meat to an army of orcs or creating a masterpiece for a Hero's last meal, Evil Minions Catering can handle all occasions. Our chefs are masters of the Evil culinary arts, with specialties in rare or endangered species, dangerous animals, and of course the flesh of the friends and family of the Hero. Meals are cooked to order.
Note: The eating of raw or uncooked fish, pork, beef, chicken, dragon, space slug, basilisk or minotaur can be hazardous to your and your guests' health.
..: Evil R&D: Creating an Evil of tomorrow--today
Are you a Mad Scientist that due to Evil administrative duties no longer has time for pure research? Or are you an Evil Overlord that thinks science is for geeks, but realize the advantage it poses to your organization? The scientists at the thinktank of Evil Minions Research & Development have been recruited, bribed, blackmailed and kidnapped from the finest universities around the globe.
..: Evil Costuming
Evil never looked so good. How you and your minions dress is not just a reflection of you, but can also serve to intimidate your enemies (and impress the chicks). Speaking of the ladies, Evil Minion Uniforms and Textiles has the sexiest female minion outfits around. Fetish, spiky, skimpy chainmail or simple black bodysuit are all available.
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