.: Advice for Evil Minions and Their Overlords
Never agree with your Evil Overlord's eccentric order out loud and then criticize it under your breath. It always comes out louder then you anticipate.
Unless you have your back to a wall, if you make fun of your Evil Overlord out loud, he's standing right behind you.
If you have an attack of morality and decide to betray your Evil Overlord, simply excuse yourself and get away. A dramatic demonstration and shouting out, "You don't control me anymore!" just brings too much attention to yourself.
Also, don't throw down your weapon and tell the Evil Overlord that you won't do his dirty work anymore in front of the 20 other armed henchmen who have no such moral qualms.
Never begin a message with the statement, "Don't kill the messenger," because, in fact, he can.
In fact, if you do have to deliver bad news, a card or email will do.
Take pride in your appearance. Someone went through a lot of trouble making thousands of identical uniforms, you can at least keep yours clean.
If you are guarding a prison cell and one of the prisoners acts sick, let them be sick, it's a prison not a hotel.
If the day after you are put in charge of guarding something important a girl becomes interested in you, check her credentials or at the very least ask for her ID.
If the Evil Overlord gives you instructions on how to use a complicated device or weapon, pay attention, it might come in handy.
If the Evil Overlord says, "You don't need to know that," remember that he doesn't always have your best interest at heart.
If you are a scientist working for an Evil Overlord, make sure you don't make your device so easy that he can use it without your help.
If an Evil Overlord says he wants your opinion on his plan and is open to criticism, don't believe him.
When planning a construction or scientific job, always pad the timing when dealing with your Evil Overlord. If a job will take 4 months, say it will take 8 months. So when the Overlord forces you to double your efforts, you have some leeway. We know building a Death Star or creating a designer virus takes time, but for Evil Overlords is always now, now, now...
Remember the Evil Minion creed: Absolute loyalty--until something better comes along.
..: Specific Things to Look Out For
...: Field Promotion
When working in an Evil Overlord's organization, advancement is not always your friend. Receiving a field promotion due to the death of a co-worker (either through incompetence or at the hands of the Overlord himself) is not a showing of the Overlord's confidence in your ability. In fact, it usually means he predicts the same outcome for you, and already has your replacement picked out.
...: The Example
Evil Overlords rule by fear. An excellent way to instill fear is to pick a random minion and execute them in a particulary horrific fashion, whether they deserve it or not. However, there are ways to avoid this fate. For one thing, look out for certain phrases such as:
- "Stand over there"
- "Start my car"
- "I want to show you something"
- "This is a reward for all of your....loyalty"
- "Who is the one responsible?"
Or any sports metaphor.
If an example killing seems forthcoming, the main thing to remember is you don't have to be the Overlord's favorite minion, just not his least favorite. Keep a mental file on the other minions in the immediate vicinity so at the crucial moment you can mention how they allowed the hero to escape, killed the Overlord's pet or some other screwup so he can focus his rage on them. Alternatively, appeal to the Overlord's sense of dramatic timing by sending a lower minion out on a simple errand timed to arrive just as the Overlord is making his point.
..: Advice for Evil Overlords
Treat your Minions with respect, we know where the bodies are buried.
We understand it is in your nature to betray us, as long as you understand it is in our nature to betray you.
We know world domination is serious work, but would a casual Friday really kill you?
Don't stand next to an open window or over a vat of acid while telling your son, Trusted Lieutenant, or other heir, "One day all this will be yours."
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